Proud

So…

I had a look at my race photos from the Manotick Road Race. They are finally up! YES! So excited.

When I found my pink and rainbow self in the first picture, I cringed. At this point, where the picture was taken, I’m running along, feeling fit, feeling in-the-rhythmn, feeling awesome… It was the part of the race where I felt fast, with it, and confident.

The picture? Oh wow… not so much.

I look…

Fat.

Yes, I said fat.F-A-T.

I covered my eyes, peeking out through my fingers and thought “Oh wow… I don’t feel that fat when I run…” and then the disappointment set into my mind. I kept scrolling immediately, looking for pictures of friends, sending them links when I found them, but sinking into my chair, near tears. How do I look so utterly round, bloated, and jiggly when all my friends look so amazing in theirs? Why do I critique myself so much when I look at pictures, but when I look in the mirror at home, I don’t feel nearly as ashamed or horrified?

Why does the camera add ten pounds? Tell me this, sciency friends. WHY?

Then I saw my finish photo. Remember how I said it was going to be awkward and dorky? I saw it, clicked on it, and waited as it loaded with no breath leaving or entering my body. I was prepared to have to hide at my desk crying because it sucked so much.

Well it doesn’t. Not even a little.

That finish photo erased the crapton of negativity I had looking at the previous photo. Why?

This is why:

20130503-115534.jpg

Yup, this is a picture of me. All of me, not just my ear, my hand, or my feet. The very first one I have ever posted on this blog. Some of you know how hard a decision this was, posting something identifiable up here. (let’s hope it doesn’t come back to bite me on the arse!)

But I did, and here’s why.

I entered this race on a whim, to have a training run somewhere fun, be with friends. I ended up having an experience that has re-solidified and encouraged my journey.That photo shows exactly how I feel right now, sitting here, typing this. Yup, more emotion from me, but %^*$… When am I gonna get a finish photo like that again, that I love so frickin’ much I want to paste it on a billboard?

I bought the lumpy, awkward running photo along with this one because ^&%*, I owned that run. I did! I PRed, I felt good, I had fun! I don’t need to tear myself down,  hating a stupid photo of me round and funny. Focus on the feeling . Be strong. Own the run. All things I have said before and today, I drilled them back into my head by writing them down and sticking them up with bright Post Its at the bottom of my monitors.

That that, Inner Critic! *HIIIIYAH!*

I’m &^*%ing proud of those photos, and I’m proud of me today. Just this morning I was having doubtful thoughts about my fitness level for my goal in a week. My shins hurt a lot (I think I may have aggravated my shin splints, ^&*#), I am curbing my running until then to help them heal. I am worried the complete lack of running will make me lose fitness and stiffen up before next Saturday.  But… Seeing these today was the shot I needed.

Bring on Tough Mudder!

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6 thoughts on “Proud

  1. I saw this pic on FB and my first thought was that you seem to have lost a lot of weight since I saw you last fall. You look awesome, and happy and loving life… keep on doing everything you’re doing, because it’s clearly working for you on all levels!

    • Thanks! I haven’t lost a pound since last Fall (so said the scale last month), but my shape has completely changed. Stuff fits differently, and it feels good. More muscle, I suppose?

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