Sorting it Out

Coming back out of the sickness that kept me down all last week, finally, and then it hit again. Today was a day where moving off the couch was difficult, and a three hour nap left me feeling worse than better. My back is about a 6 on the pain scale, my kids are driving me nuts, and my husband has been… Well, lately I wonder if he’s working through heavy *&$% in his head. He’s very quick to get grumpy, we are snapping at one another and not spending much quality time together. It is making me sensitive, and worried, and all that &%$^ing baggage that comes with me is rearing its head.

I’m being stu…. Well, overreacting, of course. Everything is fine. It’s no wonder, we’ve got a tad wee tich of the stress going. Must regroup. Must be strong.

As an aside (and maybe a factor to the grumps), Valentine’s Day kind of sucked, y’all. Not a big deal, but started with a big fabric flower the kids argued over and bopped me with, and ended with us falling asleep hugging our tablets. We cancelled the (tentative) baby sitter, since well, husband is still job hunting, and our anniversary is next week anyways. Let’s save the money, right? But… The sappy, marshmallow girl in me was at least hoping for some romantic notion other than a novelty rose that is almost as tall as me. My husband’s not terribly romantic, he’s more of a caveman, and I know this about him. I need to alter my expectations, perhaps, eh?

Ech. Enough about a fabricated holiday that causes more stress than it should. Moving on…

Truthfully, I’m grumpy for other reasons too. Being sick is terrible, but being sick knowing you are running out of time before The Big Goal™ is even worse. I could not work out all last week. No running, no gym, nothing. It was driving me nuts, thinking of the nice weather break we were having and me not out in it. I was crying on Wednesday morning, realizing I was going to miss a run with good friends. I was upset on Thursday and Friday when I couldn’t get to the gym. I didn’t even think about a run this weekend with the cold. I want to get moving again tomorrow, but my back has other ideas.

*$%^. I need to run, dammit.

I’ve been kind of quiet on my online support group too. Feeling like I have nothing positive to contribute right now, and no knowing what to say. Cat’s got my tongue, etc. Being in a funk, and not feeling well does that to me. I turtle. I go inside myself, usually fold into a book or a TV show or a movie I can latch onto and block out reality while mine sucks. That usually leads to not sleeping, or eating (always a good idea, right?), and putting pen to paper, cocooning into a meditative state where I loop ideas in my head, pushing them out, and losing the world to my Mind’s Eye. (This happened while I was sick last week. I watched all 44 episodes of Legend of the Seeker  as a marathon over 3 days. Yeah… I am a tad obsessive sometimes,  but this show is good, y’all. I wish it had not been cancelled. Plus, the hero is kind on the eyes. Very kind.)

I can’t really space out like that anymore, because I have kids (they have to eat every day? And wear clothes? Jeez…), a job to do, a life where others depend on me. Sometimes these creative benders would last days before I got married and had kids, and would end with spectacular crazy hair, sore fingers from typing, bleary eyes and shakes from lack of proper diet. I always came out of it emotionally drained too, but freshened in a weird, Pheonix-like way. Like I was cleansing *%$^ and got it out of my system and could function as a proper, contributing adult again, hitting the reset button.

My refreshed day, that was yesterday… Before the mall, and allowing myself to get low again .

Last night, we had to kill some time before meeting friends at a restaurant, so we went to the mall. The longer I spent in there, the more horrible I was feeling about myself, the more I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. I was assaulted at the choices of clothing, how inept I was at finding clothes that look nice on me and fit, how fat I still feel walking into a mall store, how expensive everything is… You name it, it was feeding Inner Critic Self. I had forgotten my new word of Strong, for sure. It wasn’t even in the same stratosphere as I was.

I think, at the root of it, I’m a jeans, T-Shirt, boots, and leather jacket kind of girl. Unfortunately, I love flower prints, soft, wispy shirts, and bold, rainbow colours too. On the shelf. I try them on, feel they look ridiculous on me when I step outside the change room, and don’t buy them. So whenever I go clothes shopping, I get overwhelmed and self-hatey, it drags me to the pits of “I suck”, and I go buy a three pack T-shirt bundle at Wal-Mart, plain old jeans, and put my hair up in a pony tail… Again.

That was last night. Husband was very supportive, and gave me hugs, but the horrible ick didn’t leave until we had left the mall. I felt better the moment our noses hit the fresh air. By the time we had finished dinner, I had forgotten the suck of the mall and was feeling better again. Perhaps having such a down week made it easier for me to not be mentally strong. Who knows.

This week has got to be better. And I need to put down the Netflix. Seriously. I just discovered a listing for a BBC series called Robin Hood.

Eep.

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2 thoughts on “Sorting it Out

  1. Awe, I feel so bad reading this, it makes me want to cry. It is hard to ask for a helping hand when you are down but if it’s offered, please accept it. You have a great group around you that would jump at the chance to help, watch the kids, make dinner….anything. No one needs to be alone, especially you. We need a girls shopping day….soon.

  2. I totally relate to almost everything you’ve written here, C. You are definitely NOT alone.

    Our trip to Florida was spur of the moment and truthfully-i felt almost at the breaking point before we left. I also had/have withdrawn from our group, from MFP, from social contact. I just felt/feel like I have nothing to give right now. It sucks hardcore.

    I’m also a girl that hates shopping. We went to outlets in FL and I came away with one hoodie. My comfort zone. I love all things “boho” and hippy, yet they look like crap on me and I can’t seem to ram that through my head. I go back to my hoodies and jeans STAT after being dismally disappointed repeatedly.

    Since being back, its STILL -a billion out and I literally can.not.take.it anymore. I feel like crying or cocooning or both. I’ve also hurt my back somehow and can barely walk, let alone bend, run, workout. After a week in the sun going hard and on track-its a bitter pill to swallow.

    I know you have sickness and stress on top of the above mentioned-so I feel doubly/triply/a gazillion fold for you. I can’t even imagine the suck of all of that wrapped in one span.

    Maybe we could organize a group workout at Goodlife next week, a yoga session, a brunch or just plain ‘ol coffee and tears. 🙂

    Something’s gotta give, and we need to poke our heads back out into the world, slowly, but surely! Xo

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