Breaking Point

Warning: Apology in advance for a whiny, sad, woe-is-me post today. I wanted to share and be honest with y’all.

The other night, I was lieing lengthwise along a rumpled body pillow, using a pink, overstuffed sheep for a pillow, somewhat (read: not very) covered with a Winnie The Poo blanket, on the floor of my daughter’s room. One hand was up on her bed, my index finger grasped firmly in her tiny little hand. If I even tried to move, protests and squirms emanated from above me.

As I lay there, wondering how in $#%* I was going to function the next morning, I realized how ridiculous my situation was. My hand was asleep, there was something jabbing into my hip (turns out it was a wood block under the pillow) and I was freezing cold, having stumbled out of bed half-awake when she woke up, not wearing my jammie bottoms. It was 3 AM, I had a run to do the next day with Run Club, and once again, I was getting no sleep.

It ended up being an inside running kind of day the next day (skating rink roads!), and when I was done, I sat in the sauna, completely drained after only 3.5k. I felt morose, sorry for myself, and frustrated. Thank God I was alone, because I dissolved into messy tears while I sat there, slumped against the wall.

I was frustrated at the whole damned world, and I broke. I needed a hug, chocolate, and someone (other than my husband) to tell me I was doing ok, and could get through this.

I was doubting my ability to be ready for Tough Mudder, not seeing any measurable results on my body. I was fretting about my limitations to run more than 5k without having something hurt in a bad way. I was worried about doing proper work outs when I can’t grasp any energy from anywhere.  I was feeling left out because we pay two gym fees for my husband, and I can barely afford my gym fee, let alone entertain a personal trainer (which I need. Badly). I was grumpy at my husband going to the box six days that week, (leaving me with two children to herd every morning) when I had felt frazzled to make four days at the gym on my lunch hour. I was tired of hearing how Crossfit is the best thing in the world, my husband spouting about it non-stop (I’m serious, at some points he was interrupting me to talk about Crossfit… AUGH!). By Sunday morning when I stormed offleft for the gym, already disappointed that all the 5ker’s had cancelled for Run Club, that if I had to hear one more thing about Crossfit, I was going to lose it and smash things.

Yeah. &$#%. A little tense?

I realized that perhaps this was a sign I needed to slow down, maybe I was trying to do too much. Obviously I was low on energy, but I was also trying to squeeze blood from a stone. By Sunday after my treadmill run, I realized the no-sleep induced stress was affecting my outlook on things, making all these negative emotions come to the surface like resentment, jealousy, frustration, and anger. My interrupted sleep was messing with my blood sugars. That’s never fun.

I should be #$%^ing happy my husband loves something that is making him healthy, and hot. Instead I was resentful. I was craving carbs and sugar and all manner of bad for me things. A clear sign my body was not at optimal performance level. I was beating myself up for no other reason than the Self Critic Beast was in my head, romping happily through my self-confidence and accomplishments, using my wonky blood sugars as fuel for his path of mayhem on my emotions.

I was plain and simple overwhelmed by everything, and my body called “TIME!”.

The first two days of this week I was utterly exhausted, again getting little to no sleep at night, my stomach now upset. I was worried we might have a gastro bug, since my son was complaining of a rumbly tummy and my husband was also feeling  drained and out of sorts (Really honey, you don’t think six days of WOD’s might not be the culprit? yeesh *rolls eyes*).

So I worked from home. In my jammies.

With naps.

On a positive note, I managed to ask to go to a Flexibar class at the gym, which was last night. I was ridiculously excited to see my friends who were coming, maybe realizing I have been missing female companionship of late, and need to schedule some friend time. After the class, I did some cardio. It felt easier, and relaxing. I took the time for me, and asserted myself asking to go to the gym to take a class with my friends (I always hesitate to ask to go after work, it cuts into family time and my husband always gets that look on his face that means he doesn’t like it. He thinks he hides it, but I know… I see the grimace and the “Ok, I guess.” quiet response… Every time).

I know I need to be more structured with my work out plan, and I know I have to bust it out if I want to be ready for May. I would love to have a trainer help me out, and keep me on track. We just can’t afford it. I need to nut up, and ask for two evenings a week so I am not so harried on my lunch hours during winter season when I can’t run. My fitness is as important as his, $#%*.

I also know that I have two wonderful babies that I love, and who need me, a husband to spend time with, a house to swamp outkeep clean, and a job I need to be present for. How the &%#* do I fit it all in and stay sane so I don’t have another ugly cry in a sauna, feeling utterly overwhelmed with everything? Am I trying to fit too much in? Are my expectations of my ability to exercise and get fit while my kids are this small out of whack? Am I trying to be too strong, not asking for help when I need it? Should I be scaling back for awhile, until my daughter is sleeping better?

I have no &$%^ing idea. I don’t know what the solution is yet. Ideas, chocolate, coffe dates to girl-chat, hugs and winning lottery tickets would all be welcome. ♥

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10 thoughts on “Breaking Point

  1. I know it is a sensitive topic to touch on… and trust me, I’ve had my share of kids sleep issues… but perhaps it is time for some pseudo-tough love with dd? I don’t know the history, and I did notice the absence of a request ofr suggestions with sleep stuff so you can just tell me to bug off if you want… but, if you want to maybe meet up, for an (easy) run and some venting about sleep problems, I am all ears! To give you an idea as to where I am at, today at the gym I managed intervals of 3.8 mph walking and 4.5-4.8 mph running (2 minutes and 90 seconds respectively). I have one more day at that (Friday), then I’m up to 90 sec r, 90 sec, walk, 3 min run, 3 min walk for the next 3 “runs”… Keep at it! Your time IS as important as DHs and you have absolutely EVERY right to feel a bit of resentment… it likely has more to do with your envy for him NOT having any guilt for his time away from family vs your mommy guilt and feeling the need to ASK for permission to go to the gym. (hugs!)

    • I am the tough love. Hubs would just bring her into bed. I don’t pick her up, male her lie in her bed, and once she is back to sleep, leave. Slow steps, since we don’t do CIO. It will get better soon, I am putting my foot down.

      Next week is supposed to be nice, let’s plan for a meet up run! Your pace and intervals, I would love that. And you hit the nail on the head. Mommy guilt. Yup. I has it.

  2. DUDE…I don’t blame you at all for feeling all these things with so little sleep…the lack of sleep alone is enough to make all sorts of yucky feelings happen, add to that that you put dear hubs and your kids before yourself (like most mom’s) much of the time, and you push yourself hard physically, something as you said is bound to give. Loads of love being sent to you, I hope you find away to get some much needed rest, and that you find some balance in you and your hubs schedules. I almost peed my pants at your crossfit comments, that was pretty good. Thank-you for sharing, and let’s do flexi bar again that was really fun. I kept laughing when I saw your faces (liz and you) in the mirror I thought you all had your “sex faces on” LOL!! (hopefully that made you laugh)

    • “Blue Steel!”- Zoolander. That dissolved me into gigglesnorts in my cubicle. Heh. We will get to balance, I have no worries.

  3. Lack of sleep is so debilitating. Being able to balance/juggle it all adequately most of the time is amazing – doing it well all the time would require a miracle. And it’s so hard to know when to cut yourself slack and when to push yourself harder. I’d love a coffee date to girl chat (there’s actually a running topic I’d like to talk to you about) and/or a run outdoors as soon as it’s warm enough! (whatever that means)

    • Girl chat would be wonderful. Next week is supposed to be a better week for running too. I am going a little stir crazy, and feeling dragged down by not being able to work out. It is really hard to figure out when to go hard or go home, so to speak. I’m still figuring that out, I think. Now you have me curious, I’m always ready to talk running!

  4. Awww girl….I feel ya on this. I dont even have 1/1 millionth of what you do on my plate, and I’m constantly consumed by guilt and had the ugly cry.

    I totally agree with the other ladies….sleep loss alone is enough to make anyone feel a bit wonky! Ive been there with kids…..whooo boy. It DOES get better, and then you wonder how you survived. Lol

    As to workouts….dude, whether it doesnt infringe on family time or does, your hubs goes 6x a week to the box, and I bet he doesnt ask permission. (guys never do!) You are entitled to 2! And time to just see friends, to have coffee, to see a movie….time, for a brief moment of reprieve, where your every second isnt Mommy focused or Mommy Guilt focused! As much as we love the stinkers, we need the break. Trust me on this….as the Mom with 2 “big” girls that didnt do date nights (still dont!) and rarely took time “out” ( weve actually never hired a babysitter. Ever.) It wasnt a good idea, and I learned some lessons the hard way about all that!

    Lastly, ya, sometimes you need a break. A week off of it “all”–all the “extra” stuff….just to “Be” You go hardcore all of the time….ALL OF THE TIME….and maybe some breathing for a day or two is needed. We cant be all things to all people if we dont take care of ourselves too.(im still trying to learn this!)

    Xo

    • Sometimes I don’t feel like I go hard core… Sometimes I feel as if I slack when I shouldn’t. But that is true with all of us, right? This week I worked out on Tuesday and haven’t since. I feel bad about it, but also maybe a bit happy to have the break, to be able to have fresh legs and muscles next week. Take the positive, right?

      Date nights may not be in the cards for awhile (No spending any extra cash…) but I am hoping we can still do something for V-Day coming up.

  5. I kind of just want to give you a hug.

    So many moms put themselves last. I do it, too. Not all the time, but enough. I think it needs to change, but that’s easier said than done.

    • It is easier said than done. Those wee ones depend on me for basics. I can go without and still survive. It may sound off the wall, but it was ground into me as a groom when I worked with horses. Take care of the horse first, you second, The horse cannot feed itself. 🙂

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