Frozen

If you think about it, most of the world has no clue what a really, really cold winter day is like for drivers in Canada.

I mean, look at our cars. They are not designed for sub-zero weather. If we had any sense, we would only ever buy cars that would work super well in -20 degree temperatures (Celcius, for those folks on the other side of the border). Things like power doors and windows really aren’t meant to take the frigidity of our winters. Windshield washer fluid nozzles that get clogged with snow? I bet the dude who designed their location on cars lives in Arizona.

For example:

This morning my car’s doors were all frozen shut. After a few tugs, the driver door came open, and I was able to lean across and open the passenger door. My daughter’s side opened, but my son’s wouldn’t.

Just as I was about to start flailing and screaming at it give up, it opened with a squeal. Thank God. In loaded the kids and off we went. I should have turned off the child locks at that point. But noooo, I was too focused on just getting. my. cranky. child. to. daycare.

Now I don’t know about you, but when you try to turn a corner with a car, you expect the wheels to turn, right? Turn the steering wheel, tires follow suit. Yeah… As I backed out the driveway, I heard a popping, and a crunching noise, and the steering wheel wouldn’t budge.

It seems that the road sludge my dear, dear husband accumulated in the tires this weekend froze solid overnight. Thank you eversomuch for not cleaning out the wheel wells, darling love-of-my-life. I wanted a workout this morning. Tearing the doors off the car was great cardio, but chipping out frozen ice with your massive scraper (which I despise using, by the way)… Man my delts really burn now! *arrr-grrr*

I decided to get a coffee. I needed that coffee. No, I more than needed it. It was essential to keep me sane. As I drove up to the speaker at the coffee shop, the window wouldn’t budge. NO amount of pounding on the down button would make it move. Begging and pleading didn’t move it. I wanted to beat my car senseless with a tire iron.

Instead of elegantly ordering my coffee and feeling snappy and with-it, I had to look like a complete moron and order coffee through an open car door, and then get out of my car in the Drive Thru to get said coffee. I got a donut too, since I needed some sort of balm to soothe my tortured, frozen soul. *Omnomnomnom*

Baby was asleep when I arrived home, and I was silently thanking God for a small miracle. I would have a few moments to sit in my nice warm house, enjoy my nice, warm coffee, and think nice, warm thoughts. Nuh-uh.

I walked around the car, and when I tugged on the door handle, nothing happened. I pressed the auto-unlock button on the key fob. Nothing. I flailed and yanked. I begged and pleaded. I body-checked. It was as if it was crazy-glued.

It was then that I crawled monkey-like up the front seat and attempted to open the door from the inside. I did a *facepalm* when I realized the child locks were on. I was going to have to squeeze my round post-partum arse into the space between the car seats and pull the whole thing out the other side. I thought about taking her out the back hatch. It too, was frozen shut.

Cue a moment of foot-stomping, howling rage, and mitten waving here, as well as a well placed kick to a tire. Ow.

After some wrangling, shoving, pulling, and swearing, the car seat was yanked out past my son’s massive rocket seat. I only scraped my knuckles once (which hurts worse when it is cold, if you didn’t know). Baby stayed asleep, if you can believe it, and when we got inside, I sagged against the door, coffee in hand, silently cursing the makers of my fine automobile parked in the driveway. I also cursed the cold weather, winter, and my wonderful ever-loving husband.

Just another cold winter day for a driver in Canada.

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