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Oi! The time to write has slipped away from me, having two flu bugs go through our house in the past month. Then I encountered a graphic novel, posted online, that I really foudn entrancing, and then my latest stack of harlequins came in.

Needless to say, I’ve been distracted. But last night, I couldn’t sleep, and as usual, another chapter of my “pantsing” novel, Where I’ve Been, spewed out. I have to say its very much fun writing this without a clue to where it might go, and just putting it out there for fun. I know I have some readers out there, and thank you for reading! I appreciate it very much. Its such a rough draft, I’m wondering if I shouldn’t slash and burn before I post it, but I kind of like the rawness I get when I re-read it posted up here, in a different format. It lets me see the story differently, somehow, and I make copious notes as to improvements, fillers for parts I feel are not fleshed enough, and bits I can stroke out.

So, without further hesitation, here is part 7.

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Two pairs of jeans lay limply across my bed this morning, forlornly wrinkled and haphazardly akimbo. They were sharing the misery I was feeling at that moment. The moment where, after much agonizing deliberation, I realized I must give them up and get new ones.

My favorite jeans. They fit me like no other. They are were nice enough for work, good enough for weekend outings, and comfortable enough to curl up on the couch with a good book and not lose circulation in my legs. They have built in “spare tire control”, and are warm when it is cold. They are stretchy and have massive front pockets. They are my go-to when I need a quick pair of pants because I have to open the front door, or go out for groceries. (Pants are optional on a Saturday morning in our house. This is a rule.)

These are the pairs I wore while pregnant, then nursing a newborn. The pairs I wore when I made the excuse that “They’re too comfortable not to wear”, or “I hate buttons on jeans, they are always made of an alloy that my skin reacts to”. I tightened my fingers around the stretchy tube tops and resisted as my husband gently tried to take them from me last year, saying “Maybe its time to get back into real clothes?”. These ARE real clothes, <expletive>.

Today though, I am looking at a frayed cuff on one, and a hole in the tube top and inner thigh on another. The back pocket flaps on one are sticking out like a crumpled flower petal, the buttons holding them down mysteriously absent. These will not make my butt look smaller, like this. The tube top is not as supportive as it once was.  My baby-weight-that-is-no-longer-baby-weight shows through that little bit more now. Doh.

I suppose I could march right back to the maternity store and buy a new pair, but it feels wrong. I’m not pregnant, and don’t want to be plan on being pregnant anytime soon. And if I buy another pair, the nasty, vicious voice in my head would tell me that I am just giving myself an excuse to be overweight, and not get back to my fighting trim. But the practical side of me thinks that comfortable jeans, no matter where they come from, makes life easier, and thus, are a good investment, so go back in there and pull those tube topped jeans up to your armpits and dance happily over to the chocolate shoppe nearby.

I am conflicted, and sad, and mourning the loss of two good pairs of jeans that I must replace, especially for work. I love being able to wear jeans to work, our casual atmosphere making it a comfortable place to be myself without having to spend an hour each day primping, fussing, ironing and feeling tied into clothes that itch, bunch, and generally crankify my day. My world revolves around being able to grab and go, and these jeans are a major component of that Mom-life formula.

As I ruffle through the clean laundry in the basket ready to be put away for a decent pair, the figurative lightbulb goes *ding* above my head (or was that the microwave?). I quickly pack my security blankets jeans into a plastic grocery bag and smile. At least, when the seamstress is done with them, I’ll have some comfortable capris for summer.

OK folks… This one I started awhile ago, and finally finished the other night when my husband was snoring so loudly I could not sleep. Small mercies as a writer to have those insomniac nights, I suppose, eh?

Anywho, here is Part 6, and funnily enough, it deals with the idea of how we handle destruction and human suffering, which is kind of on my mind with Haiti right now.

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Personal Earthquake

Since last week, I have not turned on the TV news.

I’ve kept informed by listening to the radio, reading online reports, blogs, and linkposts.  I haven’t wanted to watch the scenes in real time, I’ve not looked at Youtube, or watched video images.I just haven’t wanted to go there. Maybe if I don’t, I can turn the sadness about this terrible thing off when I need to function and get through my day. My heart has been heavy with the devastation, but I have continued to keep moving, and approached the story as a news item, rather than a catalyst for thankfulness. I felt the same way watching the Katrina aftermath. I donated money, I prayed, and it was all I could do.

They are just pictures, and I can close the browser window, really. They can’t talk, or tell me their story, or bring the sounds of their world to my ears, which makes it less real, in a superficial, ashaming way. I have not let my child look at my computer laptop screen while I have browsed through the photos of death, destruction, and crippling, unanswerable need bleeding out from the eyes of the people photographed in front of me.  I have purposely guarded myself a little, lest I find myself  emotionally drained from the sheer magnitude of this reality so far from my own home. I still gotta work, eat, and be a mom, right?

But today,  as I listened to a reporter say something in a news show, I burst into tears, and the week of bombardment about Haiti overwhelmed me. I was parked, pausing to hear the end of the segment before I hauled myself up and out to go to work. It took me a few moments, and I was late getting in.

The show was The Current (on CBC Radio 1), the reporter was Stephen Puddicombe. He is in the centre of the destruction, literally stepping over bricks and bent metal to speak with the people of Haiti, travelling through Port-au-Prince and telling us about their new world at street level. He said (and I paraphrase a bit here, since I lost some of it in translation) “It makes you want to throw away your microphone, and find them a home, to help them in any way.”

I guess the situation finally overcame my imposed self-preservation media barrier because this reporter was looking at this terrible, terrible situation not just as a reporter getting a story, but as someone who had spent time in Haiti, had friends die, and described seeing one friend, by chance, while driving in the broadcast van, and was overcome as he leapt out of the van, hugged, kissed and rejoiced in her survival with her.

Did it make it more human to me to hear the anguish in his voice, the utter exhaustion as he brought this story to us here in Canada? Did it un-numb me from the images of dead bodies, of rubble, of blood, and injured children? I don’t know, but for the first time, because of him, I cried about this devastation. I mourned for these people that I cannot tangibly help. I let tears fall for every child my son’s age who had died before their life had really begun. All the pictures and all the reports did nothing until this man paused, and his voice cracked when he described the tarps and towels people were using to stake their square of street to live on, no fire to keep them warm at night, and no way to protect them from harm. The depth of poverty and corruption magnifies this need by a thousand-fold, moreso than other natural disasters in the past, like Hurricane Katrina, the earthquakes in Italy and China, and the Tsunami in the Indian Ocean.

We listen on the radio to clips about people reaching out to adopt the massive influx of orhpans; we read about the long, snaking, crushing lines for food and water. We see pictures of families sleeping in the streets because buildings aren’t safe to be in anymore, the aftershocks causing paralyzing fear to ripple through the city. We hear about the men and women from Doctors Without borders buying a saw from a hardware store to continue amputations because the plane, carrying their much needed equipment and medicine, is diverted again and again by the US Military, from the airport.

I have donated money, I have prayed, it is all I can do, and it feels like nothing compared to what is needed.

Here is the next bit of Where I’ve Been. I was able to finish it last night. I’m not sure I like it yet, I’m feeling a bit stagnant and must move the plot along. But, as they say, you have to start somewhere. This is just the beginning, and after edits and rewrites, I am sure it will be much better, in my eyes. :)

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I’ve been absent for a bit, yes, I am aware I left without an explanation.

You see, I had my bottom two wisdom teeth extracted on the 11th (after two prepatory weeks of pain from abcess, and much penicillin), and the procedure went horribly wrong. So on the 14th, I went in for emergency surgery to complete the job. The week following is a painkiller-induced fog where I did not trust myself to write even a coherent sentence, let alone stay awake for longer than a few hours to complete necessary tasks like Christmas cards, dishes or, well, yes, even showering. Blech.

On the mend now, and will be back to normal soon, I hope. So yes, I am still alive, but no, I’ve not been doin’ much kickin’ lately. Maybe after Christmas.

Here is another chapter that I dabbled with over the weekend.  I have to leave early today, and forgot to post it at lunch, so here you go!

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Yep, another night of inspiration on this non-outlined piece, and a chance to do some writing on my lunch hour, has given me chapter 3. I have no idea where the story for this is coming from, and I will ride this muse as long as I can. Maybe even enough to finish it, so you can read it all!

Here it is:

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I was so busy last night, and then couldn’t sleep.  if I ever decide to submit this (if I ever get a chance to finish it) I’ll pull it down from here, of course.

But for now, I think I’ll post it up. I’m feeling brave.

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Where I’ve Been

I realized I completely let fall my blog writing when someone asked me why I hadn’t written in awhile. I blinked and aped a silent “oh!” and mumbled some busy excuse.My blog has sat dormant for a month! a whole month of nothing to say, or comment, or write about.

But in reality I am writing. Every day. An hour or so before other duties take over. I sit and I pound out and enjoy the feel of words and excitement flowing out of my fingertips into the vessel of the word processor file. I am dreaming, crafting, plotting, and planning. Along with Christmas cards, letters, new volunteer duties, my son, my husband, my house, my job, and that whole business of sleepdriveworkeatworkdriveeatsleep, I am finding time to write.

For the first time, I came up with an idea for a novel out of the blue, outlined the entire story, and am now writing it. Then, another idea hit me, and I started outlining it. Now, I have three outlines completed, and I have one WIP staring at me from my GoogleDoc dashboard.

This is a first for me, seeing as how I am usually more of a pantser than a plotter. I love just starting a story to see what happens, to experience it fresh as I go, to ride the wave of emotion and excitement when the plot bunny takes a hold of my ankle and chews.

But, with my new idea of plotting out the story arcs reaching over the beginning, conflict, middle, climax, and ending, I wanted to see if being a plotter would give me more structure to my writing, help me be productive with my small time per day to write. In essence, begin writin the moment buttocks hit chair. I also converted my Framemaker files into Google documents, and my writing is now portable. If I am not at home, I can access it. It is saved off my local drive as a backup. (when I finish a section, it gets copied to my local rive as well).

Its working.

I have no idea if what I have will be any good, but I am five chapters into one of my new stories, and have not hit the “where do I go now” wall that springs up in front of me at this stage in the game.  The inevitable crush of weight that settles onto my story once my hero and heroine kiss. that seems to be my stumbling block.

This morning, in the wee hours of black before the dawn, I had this momentus plot bunny knock on the door in my mind and it dumped this on my lap. So sans outline, without planning,  I thought I would share, and ask those of you who do read my small blip of a blog if you would read a story about this. It seems rather foreign for me, and I’m really not sure where it came from.

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I to0k initiative yesterday and booked the day off work, to drag my son and I down to the closest vaccination clinic to stand in line and get his first of two shots for the H1N1 virus.

I was prepared with sippy cups, toys, books, blankets, and warm clothes. I was determined to get my hands on a wristband so that my son could begin the slow march to being protected from this new, and scary, virus. I wasn’t going to let another winter of day care sniffles and sickness get the better of us this year, and this was the first step.

Let me preface this by saying that I was expecting the chaos reported the day before all over the news, of long waits, dwindling supplies, and disgruntled people to be in full force as everyone panicked and crowded the clinics. I was expecting to wait outside the building, since the line would not be contained inside, and I was prepared mentally to be turned away if they ran out of wristbands. I would not get angry. It would not be the volunteer’s fault. I would be gracious and understanding.

Ten minutes after arriving, elbows sharpened to do battle with hassled people, and a cranky toddler bored-to-tears, I left the building, a wide band of orange around my wrist, one for my son and two more, one each for my husband and I. I was smiling, my son was smiling, the volunteers were smiling, and the sun was out.

Starbucks was bought, and brought home to my husband, at home for the day as well. Celebrations were in order!

We came back as a family at five that evening, again armed with all manner of Toddler-taming toys and our stroller. I treated myself to a rarely indulged treat of poutine, my husband to a hot dog, and our son ate Cheerios (also discovering that the taste test he had of my poutine was very yummy), ran all over the crowded waiting area, and read a Dr. Suess with my husband four times. In our walking, he plunked himself down with a large group of congregated toddlers like himself, all in boots and sweaters, some with bright red teething cheeks, some with soothers in their mouths. It was an impromptu play date.

They all stared at one another with an eery calmness, that had parents wondering why the noise had stopped and peering over. Then, as if cued, the entire lot began to babble at once. It was strange, indecipherable language that they understood perfectly. My son being, of course, one of the loudest, pointing and giggling, looking at me every so often with the widest grin possible.

He had so much fun, oblivious to the real reason he was there. Grand times could be had watching the Zamboni on the rinks, or the hockey players, or grinning at an old man who was making funny faces, or watching a young girl practice her leg holds in her sparkly figure skating outfit. He was entranced by a woman in a wheelchair, and made countless people laugh by running and making an “ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!” giggle noise with each step, his arms swinging like windmills, doing laps around the room.

Forty-five minutes after we arrived, we were ushered into the vaccination area to ensure our forms were filled out properly. Five minutes after that, all three of us had our needles. My husband even held our son while he got his own.  My son cried for all of two minutes, then began busily taste-testing the sticker he got for being a good boy.

Twenty minutes after that we were walking out of the building, my son’s memory of the nasty needle forgotten, babbling away to my husband, who’s memory was a bit fresher, as evidence of his pale face.

And Me?

I was relieved, and amazed at the cheerful nurses, smiling volunteers, speed of service, patience of paramedics, and non-melting-down son.

I was thankful for this anticlimatic adventure for all of us.

 

 

 

 

I did a freewrite late last night when I could not sleep. My words were rather serendipitous, and I was feeling entirely melancholy it came out all sad. Since I don’t want to take out the sadness I always feel this time of year on my son or my husband, I’ll post it up here and release it. I have too many other things to be happy about.

My writing exercise was this:

Open a dictionary four times to a random page. Write down the word that is on the top right-hand corner of teh facing page. These words must all be used in some way to create a micro short-story or a vignette where names and exact locations cannot be used. They can be repeated as many times as needed.
Go.

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Preserving Traditions

Its that season again. The one where I go insane trying to find time. Time to Can.

Yesterday, I was reading a post by Amber over at Strocel.com on her canning adventures.  She talked about how much fun it was to preserve, and about knowing what was in the food she preserved being a great thing.  I agree on both counts. Check her out, she’s a really interesting, creative mom with two kids and a knack for always thinking what I am thinking! How does that happen? I’m here in Eastern Canada, she’s on the West Coast! *looks around with eyes narrowed*

Amber’s post got me thinking (more) of all the things that we preserve and can and I realized we do a lot. Not in the sense that we eat nothing but preserved food all winter, but by in large, we pack away quite a lot of produce every year. I grew up with this, so did my husband, to a point, so when we first started dating, we canned and canned and canned….It was fun, and exhausting, and frustrating and… well, the fruits of our labours (literally) were quite yummy. Now that we are married, we seem to have figured it all out, sort of. Our veggie patch gives us so much that we have beans, peas, beets, carrots and squash all year. This year the buttercup was plentiful, which is my husband’s favourite. Last year it was Spaghetti, which is mine. My son loves the tanginess of butternut. In fact, he’s a big benificiary of all this food. He loves vegetables . We are truly blessed parents.

Now if only he would sleep…….

We have some tried and true things we can and put away every year. Much like a tradition now, I have discovered that we are capable of being very domestic and frugal in our preparations for winter, and I enjoy so much this part of being a family. The collective effort of gardening, harvesting, and preserving gives us a tangible sense of taking care of the family.

Some of the things we do every year without fail, I figured I would list out, for fun.

  • We make applesauce and apple pies from Prince Edward County apples every year as a tradition, right after Thanksgiving. Mutsu apples are best for pies, MckIntosh for applesauce.
  • Blueberries, in the summer, picked fresh go on trays in the freezer to freeze solid, then into stackable Ziploc containers. If your freeze them a single layer at a time, they won’t clump together when put together into the container. This makes for great garnish on salads in February when blueberries in the store are so expensive you might just turn blue from the sticker shock. We also discovered this works great for raspberries and shelled peas.
  • I make lotion every year from my herbs. I dry comfrey, calendula, and chamomile to put into grape seed oil based balms and lotions. They make great gifts, and a little goes a long, long way. Just the other day, I gave away a pot of Tea Tree oil and Herb Skin First Aid balm I made last year. It has beeswax, lanolin and Vitamin E in it as well as calendula, comfrey, and tea tree oil in it to soften and heal skin. The person I gave it to was so pleased with it! It made my day. This year I am going to try and make some rosemary body wash/soap. We have a ton of rosemary this year. I also like to make soap, but with a little one afoot, I am afraid to start he process unless he isn’t home, which is never. I would have to be so careful with hot liquids and soap ingredients, and once you start the process, you can’t stop for diapers or crying or bumps that need to be kissed.
  • Our traditional Christmas gift to our friends are jars of home made pesto. We grow Genovese Basil in the back yard here at our home, and when the bunch is monstrous, we chop it back, make the pesto, then freeze it in big containers (we keep our empty margarine tubs for this). Come Christmas, it gets thawed, put into pretty preserving jars and wrapped with ribbon. This year we did a batch of regular pine nut pesto, and a batch of walnut. I would like to branch out into other herbal gifts, but we seem to be very good at pesto, and people clamour for it, much like my home made shortbread. I have a fantasy about starting up a herb farm, plant lots of Pesto basil, and become the Pesto Kings of the area. I’d call the farm The Basilicum. (this would be also part of the farm where I have chickens, sheep, some horses, pigs, and a HUGE market garden with a booth at the local farmer’s market.)

So now you see where I look at my watch and think about it all. But, no matter the scramble, it is worth it. As always, I am more than happy to share recipes and process, if anyone so desires.

Happy Canning!

Crazy Pot Luck Pit

I think my husband and I are certifiably crazy.

On Saturday, we did the annual “close out the garden” day at our veggie patch. We harvested the last of the beets and carrots, cut back the Comfrey, transplanted about twenty Peony rhizomes to the front of the house (and gave ten away to a friend… too many peonies…), and pulled all the mulch back from the soil. Then, Husband roto-tilled while I heaved well-decomposed manure into the back of my father’s truck, one shovelful at a time. Then… Well, manure was applied to fluffy-wonderful soil, the mulch pile was neatened, the compost bin shored for the winter, and we were done.

We don’t have to touch our veggie patch until Spring.

We did all this with toddler in tow, amazingly, and he spent the whole day outside, even his nap. We left home at 8:30 in the morning, and got home at 5 PM. I was exhausted, dirty, smelly, and ready for a big mug of tea, my comfy clothes, and Diana Gabaldon’s Echo in the Bone. My son was ready for some play-time with real toys, even though he had enjoyed the pile of leaves, rocks, errant planting tools and the dog’s slobbery squeaky balls (Dog being a Jack Russell, who, for the first time in his life, shared his toys. It was amazing…). My husband had rings of dirt under his eyes, around his nose, through his hair, and under his nails. We had a crate full of produce to process, a mountain of laundry, vaccuuming… the house was a mess.

But then, this is where the crazy kicked in.

Two hours later, we had showered, dressed, bathed the baby, vaccuumed, scrubbed the bathroom into sensibility, cleaned up the living room, set a ten person table with good china, put a pork roast on the BBQ, plated sushi and vegetable appetizers on the table, decanted wine, thrown two freshly made apple pies in the oven, and welcomed the first of our guests.

Oh yes. We did.

We hosted a dinner party.

Our son played with everyone, handing them toys, asking “up-a!”, and generally being cute in his footsie PJ’s. I stumbled about like a drunken person, escaping to the kitchen each time I needed to yawn, and guzzled lukewarm coffee with a couple of extra strength Advil. My husband? Infuriatingly, he was alert, bright-eyed, and in his element, bouncing about like he hadn’t spent the day raking and walking behind a roto-tiller up to his ankles in garden soil. Either he was slap-happy and getting his second wind, or a really good faker.

I wanted to bop him on the head with a spatula.

It was quite the scene, trying to clean a house in two hours. We scurried and got the kitchen, livingroom, bathroom, and dining area clean before guests arrived, but our rooms and downstairs? I cringed as I gave a (requested) tour to a guest, explaining that we had been away all day, hence the maelstrom of laundry flung to the four corners of the earth in several rooms. Err yeah… I wasn’t expecting to give a tour, so we had shoved the mess that we couldn’t sort out into a room where we could close the door. Doh…. learned my lesson there! Hide the mess better next time!

Once we had demolished the vast amounts of food provided by pot-luck, I took a quick respite and put our son to bed. As I sat in the rocker, letting him get drowsy to bedtime lullabye music, I could hear the laughter and conversation, muffled through the door, my husband’s laughter louder than anyone elses. It made me smile, and relax. We had pulled it off! Unbelievably, what was supposed to be a “informal pot luck” had turned into a ten person sit down dinner and games night, complete with munchies, tea in wee little china cups, and wine. My husband was happy, and relaxing, so it was a great thing to do. I suppose I tend towards being an introvert when I need to unwind and relax, and he is the opposite. The get together had been his idea, not mine, but I had eventually relented and said ok, so I was complicit.

I must say that although I was dead-dog tired, my feet screaming, my arms and back moaning in protest of many shovelfuls of messy stuff earlier in the day, I was refreshed by good food, great wine, and good friends. I was not thinking about tomorrow, when the “overworked” hangover would kick in.

We cleared the table for a good game of Pit after dinner. Much hilarity and shouting ensued, as anyone familiar with the game can attest. At one point, I had “pitted” with Oats three times in a row! It was a new game to all but myself and a couple of other people at the table, so I think everyone had a good time learning how to play a great game. We left out the bear and bull so the game would be simpler and go faster. It was a lot of fun, and I very much enjoyed it. I was too tired to really be on my game, and hence was lagging behind in points by the end. That was ok.

At the end of it, my husband and I rolled into bed at one in the morning, thankful that our son was still asleep. I was now really sore through my arms and back, and studiously ignoring the humongous pile of china in the kitchen to be washed. I didn’t want to think about it, and the stiffness from a day of gardening that would invade my muscles before morning. As we fell asleep, I shook my head and muffled overtired giggles at the insanity of our day.

Yup, crazy. But I suppose, in a good way.

Today is Blog Action Day. This year, the topic is climate change.

Climate change… To me it feels like a buzzword, a “hot topic” (no pun intended), a current trendy thing to be up-in-arms about. It is on everyone’s lips and minds as we trudge through countless articles on the melting of the Northern ice shelves, frequent “century” storms, global warming, and scientists telling us about the differences in the seasons from forty years ago. A poignant article I read recently talked about the changes to Inuit hunting because the ice goes out sooner, and stays away longer.

The screaming masses make us scramble with our re-usable shopping bags to relieve our guilt for using generic plastic bags, cars, and chemicals. We strive to be green, do our part, make sure we Recycle, Reuse, and Repurpose. Cut back our waste, eat local, eat organic, bicycle, walk, take public transit. Plant trees, buy carbon offset credits, drive a hybrid car, make our own cleaning products, and drink ethically planted and sourced coffee from a reusable tumbler.

However, I don’t think this concept of living frugally, “greenly”, and conciously is new. Celebrities push the glamorous things to do, media splashes the doom and gloom stories with experts warning us of impending catastrophe, making us all the more. It’s become trendy again, perhaps moreso than the last upswing in the late 80’s and early 90’s, but everywhere you go now, you see the colour green and slogans edicting us to Do Our Part.

I have been Doing My Part for most of my life. I recycle avidly, I re-use as much as I can, and I also endeavour to repurpose, i.e. I buy used when I can, and donate/sell on used goods as much as I can. I try not to be a consumer (as my life changes ebb and flow, this is sometimes harder to do), and even though I do not use cloth diapers or buy only hemp/organic/cotton only clothing, I don’t buy clothing or shoes or personal items just for the sake of having them anymore. We don’t own fancy furniture, we minimize our need for “things”, and we do NOT use scented products to clean our home.

But, in all this, my favorite, and most rewarding personal action to be environmentally concious, is to compost. More precisely, I (and my husband now) plant gardens without chemicals that provide us with fruit, vegetables, and herbs that last us for the year. We keep two. One at my childhood farm, and one at our city home. I have planted and ate from gardens most of my life, and my husband, who was only familiar with flower gardening when we met, is now a convert, and amazingly, more zealous than me.

My son seems enamoured too, spending his weekends pulling carrots or beets out by the fistful, when let loose into our vegetable patch.

From the age of three, I lived on a farm with my family. In the back yard, we had a monstrous vegetable patch that every year would brim with food. Most of this food was preserved in re-usable glass jars, and fed us all winter. All the weeds and waste went into a massive compost pile that on cold mornings in the Spring and Fall, would have tendrils of steam wafting off of it. I would often sit on Saturdays at the big kitchen table, facing the back window, and watch the steam in the slanting morning sunlight, slowly munching on my toast and committing the strangely beautiful scene to memory.

I say strangely, because when I was a child, I hated that compost pile. I dreaded the inevitable chore of lugging the full compost bucket, which at one point was as big as me. I would drag it, my father’s extra-large work gloves flopping on my hands, as I tugged and trudged all the way from the back step down to the pile to heave the bucket haphazardly onto the pile. Egg shells, coffee filters and leftover bits of food with a stench that today still makes me gag involuntarily would tumble out in a jumble to rot quietly back to soil to put onto the garden bed, and roto-tilled in for next year’s crop. Paper, dog hair, leaves, dead mice from the house that the cats would present to us at the doorstep… it all went into “the pile”.

In the Fall, the pumpkins and squash that would grow from the seeds placed in the compost from meals the year before would gleam golden on the top of the patch, and it was my job to clamber up the soft, mucky pile to pick them. This compost pile, believe it or not, was as old as the farm, started when the house was built in the 1880’s. Used for the garden over the years, the bottom of it was always pure vegetable-growing gold.

We plan on digging into the now grassed over hillock to find some good dirt for our garden this Fall. It is no longer used by my father, the sole inhabitant in the house. Times have changed, and with it our patterns of composting.

We use a slat-bin close to our much smaller garden now for our garden compost, and because bears have moved into the area, we can no longer compost household kitchen waste in a big mucky, steaming pile. It goes into a black square tower-like thing, which the squirrels chew holes in every year, and we patch it with wire mesh and bolts. The bear still topples our garden bin every year, which is fine, since when he does, we simply flip it and thank him for doing some of the work for us.

So how does composting help our climate? its such a small thing, really, its a blip on the map of “things-you-can-do”.

In a simple sense, it cuts down on the waste going into the landfill, period. Less waste in the trash can means something over time. With composting, recycling, and re-using, my father puts a small bag of garbage out every two weeks at the farm. With our family of three in the city, we put out one per week. We can’t compost kitchen waste yet, which irks us. We have an extended family of raccoons living in a run down property in our vicinity, and they delight in ripping apart garbage left unlocked, and compost bins, no matter how Fort Knox-like they are. But City Green Bins are coming, and this makes us glad. It will cut back our garbage each week to perhaps a small bag, instead of a regular sized one.

But cutting down on waste is one aspect. Another is the re-using of our leftover substances, made from the Earth, returning to the Earth in some way. It in turn, helps us to replenish nutrients to our soil, and grows bigger and better vegetables and fruit without the use of chemicals.

We feel good about doing it, which is also, I think, important. As adults, we cannot effect a better world climate if the things we do are unpleasant, or hard to do.

I remind myself that when I was six, and dragging that terrible compost bucket, I did not equate the nasty chore to being environmentally concious. It was just what we did. We gardened, we recycled, we composted, we re-used, and repurposed. I hated it. it was work, and cut into my play-time.

Now I look back fondly, as we all do, and realize that I was instilled with the concepts of living green at a very young age. Perhaps I can use that knowledge, when my son gets to lug the compost bucket to the green bin someday, to make it less of a chore to be hated, and more of an accomplishment to feel good about.

Up

My son knows a new word. His first word where he specifically uses a sound for context. The first word that he understands.

Up.

This past weekend, in the cacaphony and chaos that is Thanksgiving at my In-laws, he wrapped his arms around my legs, tilted his head back to gaze at my bent over face, and in a very clear and demanding way, said “UP?”, his tiny blue eyes seriously studying mine for recognition in his question. He pronounced both letters seperately, and its endearing staccato sound was more phonetic. It took me a moment to realize he was saying the word Up, and when I did get it, his happiness was evident to all around him with happy babbles as he was swung up into my arms.

“Uh-Pah?” He would say, arms extended, or hands patting our laps. “Uh-Pah?” he said to my mother-in-law as she bent over to heft him. “Uh-Pah?” he would say to my father, tugging on a pant-leg. “Uh-Pah?” he said as his high chair was set up for lunch, pulling on the foot rest, eager for his meal. The same word was used to denote when he wanted out of the high chair, straining against the seatbelt, yelling “up-up-up-up-uh-pah!!”

All weekend, he tried out his new word on every unsuspecting adult within visiting range. We watched him notice someone sit down, and he would drop his toy, skitter over, and after attempting to lever himself up onto whatever seat they were sitting near, he would, in his soft voice, look at them and say “Uh-Pah?”.

No one could resist him, and he spent much time getting up and down from arms, in and out of laps, and amazing those around him with his newfound vocabulary. He muttered it under his breath as he climed onto the fireplace hearth. He babbled it as he ran across the floor in the morning to my comforter encased form, eager to start the day in the light filled spare room, my own body wishing it was still night.

It is still endearing, exciting, and encouraging each time he wants up into our arms and tells us so. Give it a few more days, and I am sure it won’t be, but for now, I am enjoying his newfound communication tool for all it is worth.

We are still looking up.

Happy

The raindrops fell in a sudden patter over my head, the sun from the West illuminating them in a moving prism of light and water. Stetching against the sudden damp seeping into my sweater, I held my cupped palm out and caught some of the water, hoping to grasp the hidden riot of colours, and share the harmony I felt in the opposition of rain and sun. I dashed for a Maple tree, and let the sun shower parade itself around me, showing off, dancing left and right, as if teasing me to come out and play.

The sharp smell of the impromptu Scotch Wash, shining wet on the pavement, cleansed my energy, The sheer freshness raised my spirits. I laughed, breathed in deeply, and raised my arms up to touch the leaves above me, bright orange and crisp yellow glinting like wet jewels.

The Maple rustled in the breeze, and let me know it was happy too.

Earthly TV Thoughts

Random thoughts for a Saturday night.

I folded baby washcloths to put into the laundry hamper while we watched TV, and I suddenly looked down at my hands and wondered why on Earth I was folding something that would get jumbled and tossed about in the drawer as my husband messed about looking for the very thing he was stirring. I had stopped folding washcloths when my son was 6 months old, just cramming them into the top drawer labelled for their storage, too busy with other things to bother. Of all the baby clothes, they needed smoothing and cornering the least. But here I was folding them along with onesies, pyjamas with feet, little tiny socks, and impossibly small jeans. Would the world end if I stopped folding these?

It didn’t last time.

I stuffed them into a crevice of the full laundry hamper with abandon. It felt decidedly wicked and un-matronly. I was living dangerously, giving conformity the middle finger by not folding baby washcloths.

Next, I decided to leave my socks on the floor and not pick them up. Oh yes… Then I thought maybe I’d lick the jam off a butter knife.

I was on a roll.

edit: Who was I kidding? I folded the damned things after, my hands itching as I stared at the full basket for over an hour, its lumpy form berating me silently. My insatiable need to flat-laying washcloths in the basket on the microwave and the drawer in the baby’s room won out, and they were hastily gathered and squared up.

I suck at this rebellious housewife thing.

—–

My husband is turning 31 on Thanksgiving. For his birthday, we spied the complete set of the BBC series Planet Earth. It was $60, and I know we can’t afford it, but we buy it anyways with a “Happy Birthday” hug and kiss in the middle of a busy Wal-Mart. We watched the episode on mountains, and I blearily took in the site of a Mountain Goat balefully staring out into the expanse, rocky cliffs around him seemingly impossible to scale.

As the camera panned around the lone goat, his jaw working while chewed on something random, the sheer enormity of our world took me full in the chest. I looked over at my son and my husband, who were both snoring on the sofa, and I immediately prayed that we could make our way in it without messing our son up too much before we leave this Earth.

I also realized that I needed to go to bed, because a Mountain Goat just made me poke at the fleshy innards of my mortality.

Baah.

Crunchy Mother Guilt

I used to tell myself I  was a terrible mother on a daily basis.

I’ve let my son have hamburger meat with processed cheese on it, fries, and Chicken McNuggets. He has also tried Chef Boyardee. He likes it. All of it.
Ronald McDonald on a trike is his favorite “travel” toy. A Sponge-Bob Square-Pants mini board book from Swiss Chalet makes him giggle every time he “reads” it. He loves BBQ Chicken with a bit of mayonnaise on it.

*Tip: Keep all restaurant toys you get in a Ziploc bag in the car. When travelling, you can pull them out for kids to play. If you lose one as you jet from place to place, its no biggie, since the toys weren’t expensive. If the child was super attached to it, angle for another one at the restaurant.

But it gets worse than that…

I went back on my sworn statement to make all his baby food.

The ideals and admonished statements I made from his newborn days haunt me as I hand him a Heinz toddler cookie before dinner to keep him happy as the pasta cooks. I once said it was “all home made or nothing!”, “I will not use food as a bribe”. and “My son will not be fed junk food!”. I had recipes for home made teething biscuits, and we thought about how best to introduce him to the wonders of brussel sprouts. We made our own pureed veggie mix, but when I went back to work in February, the bottled baby food was bought. I felt like I was lower than a snake’s belly the first night I snicked the top off one of the Heinz food jars, and spooned out sweet potato into a bowl to nuke. How could I go back on my principle? My son was destined for a life of second measures, since I was now feeding him from a jar, instead of from food crafted by my own two hands. What kind of mother was I, not sticking to my beliefs, and caving like a deck of cards in a windstorm?

But, as I looked at the clock, read 6:30 PM, and yawned, all notion of being organic, local, and home-made vanished. Baby needed to be fed, and then I needed to collapse like an overstuffed bag of potatoes in the produce aisle. Three hours of sleep a night was not enough to work all day, pump milk, and be a mom in the middle of winter, with a cold.

He loved it, of course, mixed with his rice or mixed grain cereal, and we sometimes threw pasta shapes in, all cut up, to give him something new. He gobbled it, and asked for more. I never bought food with added sugar, and the stuff was pretty much just veggies/fruit and water. That relieved some of my guilt, but none of the knowledge that I was passing my love on via Beech Nut pureed beans.

We stopped feeding him baby food around ten months, since he was more interested in our food. We thank God he loves broccoli, and all number of veggies cooked or raw. I think, had he not adapted so well to finger foods for us to redeem ourselves with the no-home made thing, I would be cast out of the *Crunchy Mother’s Guild (that people seem to think I am a member of) forever for going back on my plans to be the super-mom I envisioned myself being. This vision being the dynamo with a sparkly chemical-free clean house filled with educational wooden and cloth toys, adorable cloth-diapered breastfed child, happily involved husband, freezer full of home made purees and stored breastmilk, and rewarding writing career, all wrapped up in a neat organic, locally-made, and nutritious bow.

I ate the bow and washed it down with a Coke while reading the ingredient list on a box of Mum-Mums, when I realized that motherhood cannot be planned. You must adapt on the fly, upend yourself into the world, and figure it out as you go, sometimes compromising on things you never thought you would compromise on. Like baby food, breastfeeding, and diapering.

McDonalds, and Chef Boyardee? I suppose I can live with it, and the occasional bout of “I’m a terrible mother” each time compromises must be hurdled as my son grows.

They just aren’t daily admonishments anymore, thank God.

*Not a term coined by me, I got called “Crunchy” by another mom awhile ago after a discussion on breastfeeding. Maybe she was referring to the half-masticated Cheerio stuck to my shirt, instead of my parenting practices. Not sure, but no offense is intended in that label whatsoever.

Jeremiah – Part 2

I was up again the other night, and had an inkling to visit in on Jeremiah again. I’ve had requests to keep this story going on my blog, so, here is Part 2.

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